it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
