Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
