I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
