I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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