Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
soo... how was my night?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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