I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
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