I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
