Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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