One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
