Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
