I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Sorry about my life...
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
