apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
