why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I love having hate sex.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
