I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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