i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
