I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
