I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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