there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
