I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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