I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Don't make out with my wife yet
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
