Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
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