Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
