Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
