I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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