Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
