I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
