Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
