He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
