The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
