I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Let's paint friendship bongs
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
