That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
