why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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