The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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