Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
