I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
