Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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