I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
