Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
