This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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