My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
