As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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