Already got asked if we're dating
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
