My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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