I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I had to cum in my sink.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
