I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
