I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
