i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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