god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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