I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
