whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
