Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
